Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
