My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
