When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
