my being single is dangerous.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize