I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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