Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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