Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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