your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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