My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
