When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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