im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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