my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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