worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize