My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Randomize
