I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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