I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
