I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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