Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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