We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
