Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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