Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
