once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
