I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
