No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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