i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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