After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
that's an acceptable place to lick
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
