Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
