If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
