This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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