i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
