I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
