Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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