I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
