Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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