Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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