She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
