I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
