These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
