1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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