you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
