dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
