He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
