Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
