whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
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