ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Hippo gnu deer
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
