I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize