The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize