i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
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