So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
