dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
