Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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