Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
