Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
