I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
