Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
