he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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