captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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