Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
