i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
