i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
