You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize