I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
