The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
