turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
